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juz wanna share..

Asenso Na

IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."
IDOT: "Africa?"
BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"

Speaking Japanese - Filipino/English to Japanese translations:

Manok - Sekken
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
This - Itto
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!

Where To Go To College?

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle
If you have no money, go to PUP.

AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!!

"Mudra, Pudra, gestong kez tinafey.
Sister, Brother, gestong kez kafey.
Lahat ng gestong key ay kemer-kemerlu.
Ang magkakawiz ay pipingutin kez."



.....Dalawang batang bading nagla-laro ng "Nanay-Tatay"

3 lalake nagksala s tribu
Chief: kayo dala tig sampo prutas na pare-pareho tpos kayo balik.

una bumalik c Juan me dala santol

Chief : pasok mo lahat santol s pwet mo, pg ikaw nangiwi o nangiti, patay ka.

Pinasok ni juan una santol, nangiwi, patay.Sunod dumating c pedro my dala ubas, pang-10 ubas na sya ng mapangiti, patay sya.

Nag kita c Juan at pedro s langit.

Juan: buhay ka pa sna Pedro kung d ka nangiti sa pnghuling ubas. bakit ka ba kc nangiti?

Pedro: nakita ko c berto me dala LANGKA

an imprisoned man donated his eyes, then later his arms, legs and kidney...

sabi ng jail guard : "Aba! hanep ang gimik mo tol! Napapansin ko unti-unti kang tumatakas ah! "

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha

GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!! Wink

Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!Wink

Minamahal kong anak,


Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang magbasa.

Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nung nabili ko na shampoo, ayaw bumula. Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasaang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.

Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

sa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako. Di ba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal nila?

At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang english ang Kulangot.Di ko nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas ha.


Love,

Tatay

P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha.

Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis
niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

...................................

Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto
niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding
siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!

...................................

Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

..................................

Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:

Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!

..................................

Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

..................................

3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na **kama**:*

TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na
lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!

...................................

Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay

...................................

ANAK: 'Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako
ng "cocomban".
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon "cocomban" pa rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!

....................................

MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na.
Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di
ako nakauwi!

Four guys, from U.P, La Salle, FEU and Harvard were to be interviewed for prestigious job. One common question was
asked to
all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

U.P. guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes
instantly
in your mind

La Salle guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

FEU: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

FEU: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got
the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHTS, it was over ...!!!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The 85-year old lady, happy with her discovery...replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.'

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'

'Uh:yeah, we’re very sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that’s great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie, 'You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,' the genie said.

'And now,' the couple both asked in unison, 'what’s your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.'

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we’re both thirty-five,' she responded breathlessly.

'No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?' :slap::slap:

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

During the Great Depression, a man walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. The bartender can't believe his eyes and asked: "Where did you get all that money?"

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "For example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it and said, "Okay." So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again."

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on."

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal. You owe me $500!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $100 each that I could piss all over you and the bar, and still make you laugh!"

GRABEH!!!

ang hahaba ng jwks..

gambler... bartender...

well..

i'm a BUNGLER...

wahahaha..

JOKE!!!

uu nga nman

msyadong mhhaba ung joke^^


ang hrap 2loy bsahin,, hehehe

ang hirap kc basahin


ok lng pOe xiixii